My precious
Are you surprised I called you that? I know I have never called you that. Ever. But even if I don’t say it you are and will always be “my precious”.
Never in my wildest dreams had I imagined that one day you’d be a part of my life. I would not say that my life before you was a blur of incoherent events, incidences and people. My life has been a happy, fulfilling and enriching experience, with my family and a handful of friends, making it worthwhile. Your entry in my life added another layer , a greater depth and a whole new meaning to it.
When I first saw you with your friends, laughing away at a silly joke, I had no idea that my life was going to be altered forever, I wasn’t looking for a relationship or a lasting bond ( I thought I had enough people and relationships to take care of) with anyone. However there was something in your laughter that warmed my heart and compelled me to give you a smile. A tentative smile, an unsure one because I did not how it would be received. Would you look past me and not acknowledge me or smile back with the same tentativeness. You returned my smile and what a gorgeous smile it was. Is it possible to fall in love with someone’s smile? Probably, because I did.
The days after I first met you were spent with an acute awareness of your smile following me wherever I went. Thus started the process of spending my weekends with you and your friends. The happy faces, the fun filled atmosphere and the unconditional acceptance from all of you, made me feel special. I forgot all my worries in those hours when I was with you. I lived for the weekends.
Suddenly I wanted more from life than just the weekends but I did not know how. Days went by and I became restless. There was only one way to ensure what I wanted from life for both of us but I was scared. Very scared. I had never wanted to become a mother. I do not think I have it in me what it takes to be a mother. The realization that adoption is the only way to be with you permanently was a big jolt.
Apart from being a person who thinks she is not what mothers are made of, I would not have been able to provide you a “traditional” home. I would not be there 24X7 for you. I love my work and would not give it up for anything. It would mean that when you came back from school, you’d have to open the door yourself and heat your own food. Would you like that? You’d not see a father around. Because there is none. Grandfather, uncles, my friends but no father. Would it be unfair of me to give you just a mother’s love when all around you would see both mothers and fathers with their children. Would you think that you and me are incomplete as a family? I can’t promise you a father because I do not know if there would be someone who would accept you and me as a package deal? Will my dislike towards cooking make you dislike me too because even though I’ll feed you, I cannot be like those super- moms who whip treats for their children every day. Would you look at me and seeing no physical resemblance feel sad and disappointed?
These questions and many more .plagued me for days. I felt selfish in wanting to have you in my life without even providing you the basics that a family is supposed to provide a child. Moreover I knew you liked me, but did you want to be with me as I with you? Too many questions and no answers.
And just like that all my questions got answered! One Sunday when you were down with viral fever, I had put you to bed after giving medication and came back home. A few hours after I had returned, I got a call saying that you were inconsolable and wanted to see me. I immediately rushed back. The way you held my hand and didn’t want it to let go, gave me all the answers I had been searching for. “Would you want to live with me forever?” is all I could ask you and held my breath for the longest time it seems. Your “yes” was the sweetest word I have heard in my entire life.
Thus began the tedious journey of adopting you. The journey was as full of your love and tender smiles as it was of never ending legal procedures. Your smile always reassured me that it was not just my struggle alone, it was our struggle. We were in it together. You wanted to be a part of my life as much as I wanted to be of yours.
The day you became a part of me legally was the happiest day for me. We were both re-born. I as your mother and you as my offspring. It’s the day my learning began as a mother. I may not be perfect a cook, may forget the way to your school although I have gone there a thousand times to pick you up , scold you when you talk to friends for hours on the phone, may not be able to help you in your maths homework because I suck at it myself, may not say “ I love you” often enough. No matter how many things I do imperfectly, remember that I love you and always will.
Be blessed always
Maa
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