THERE IS A WORLD BEYOND HAPPINESS

Every cloud has a silver lining

The light beyond the tunnel

This too shall pass

Last but certainly not the least, “Don’t worry, be happy”

The list can go on but you get the drift. These quotes are all about positive thinking;from the  first day of our lives we are told to be happy and be strong in the face of adversity.  I have lost count of the times I have been told by the people around me that “happiness is a state of mind” and one can be happy regardless of the context he/ she is rooted in.

In light of the above  I urge you to try to recall ( I know it would be a very painful exercise)  the saddest moment of your life. Demise of a loved one, you not getting through the university that you had set your heart on or the most crushing heart-break (Please feel free to add to the list, it’s not exhaustive by any means).  Were you smiling and repeating to yourself “happiness is a state of mind” mantra? Probably not. What you could have been doing at that moment and many moments to come after that is crying, screaming, feeling that this is the end of the world because your beloved pet died ( My pet dog died when I was five years old and believe me I was devastated for a month).  Smiling was perhaps the last thing on your mind at that point of time.

I have often wondered why do we lay so much emphasis on being  “happy” all the time;to look at the brighter side of the darkest of things! Well some things do not have a brighter side to them. If I may ask, what is the brighter side of a death due to drunken driving or of a person being laid off from work when he/she does not have enough savings to sustain beyond a few months. I find the concept of positive thinking in situations where such thinking is inconceivable as perverse and far removed from reality.

The concept of positive thinking has given rise  to a multi- million “ Self Help “ Industry with  self professed ‘happiness gurus” who guarantee eternal happiness by just repeating useless affirmations  by standing in front of a mirror.  Such affirmations are propagated  as magical and stand alone cures for everything from depression to cancer. Positive thinking has a critical role to play in one’s life but not at the cost of the other emotions that life has to offer.

“ I don’t know why I feel sad and start crying, when I know tears won’t help”, said I to a friend.  “The job of tears? To help you purify yourself and help you realize the intensity of your feelings for a particular situation, she told me.  Why are we made to realize that crying is a sign of weakness and the only way out is to be tough, regardless of the fact that deep down all we want to do is cry our hearts out. No change would have been possible in the world if people kept looking at the brighter side of a situation.  A social change anywhere in the globe has been fuelled by a sense of anger and extreme restlessness and by positive thinking. People have experienced acceptance of loss after many months, even years of crying and extreme sadness, not by telling themselves that “loss is a part of life and should be embraced immediately”.

Each person is unique and unique are his/ her ways of coping with an “unhappy” incident or  circumstance. To deny that freedom of expression is to deny the person the emotional growth that is the fulcrum of any one’s life. To deny the chance to mourn the death of a person or a failed opportunity is to stunt the spontaneity of  behaviour.

 Advocating  for tears and sadness, depression and the world coming down on you is  not advocating for pessimism. It is about realism.  Being optimistic in the face of constant counter-evidence is more exhausting than screaming your lungs out because your boss has given you an adverse report.  A stubborn positive attitude may let you  be in a situation where you don’t even want to be. It may enable you to constantly look for the “sun to be up” even when it’s pouring cats and dogs.  What this doesnot allow you to do is to  change. Sometimes the only way is to hit rock bottom in order to bounce back.

Next time when you feel like crying, just cry without being too hard on yourself. You are allowed to shed tears, feel weak and take your time to feel happy again.