Sundays are very special to me. I get to set the pace of the day according to how I am feeling at that particular moment. In the past few days I have had a sudden onslaught of cough, cold and fever making me inactive and lethargic to a great extent. So this Sunday was the day of the three R’s, i.e. Rest, Relaxation and Recuperation. However the day took a different turn for me. I was woken up pretty early by my Sunday standards, by my roommate. Not the gentle shaking but more like a rude one. “It’s Mother’s Day today, let’s go and wish aunty”. (My mother is her aunt). I was still too sleepy to protest and did as directed. It was only after a mug full of ginger-chai and my senses fully awake that I began to comprehend the “significance” of the day.
I don’t ( Or till recently did not) believe in celebrating days except birthdays and anniversaries. The rest of the days, be it Valentine’s Day, Father’s Day or Mother’s Day for me are all products of a consumerist society. A society that makes you believe that expressing one’s love towards his/ her loved one is contingent upon the materialistic value attached to the gift that you give them on this day. I feel like a voice of dissent here. Let me explain why I feel this way.
I believe that humans and events are all rooted somewhere, a place they belong to. However, no matter how much I searched I could not find the “roots” of Mother’s Day. For as long as I remember every child wished their mother and every mother expressed her absolute happiness on this. No one talked about the history of Mother’s Day. But, what were the origins?
Contrary to what I had thought all these years, the origin of Mother’s Day was not in the Hallmark cards & gifts manufacturing shop, it had an actual historical context. The modern American holiday of Mother's Day was first celebrated in 1908, when Anna Jarvis held a memorial for her mother in Grafton, West Virginia. Her campaign to make "Mother's Day" a recognized holiday in the United States began in 1905, the year her beloved mother, Ann Reeves Jarvis, died. Anna’s mission was to honour her own mother by continuing work she had started and to set aside a day to honour mothers, "the person who has done more for you than anyone in the world." Anna's mother, Ann Jarvis, was a peace activist who had cared for wounded soldiers on both sides of the Civil War and created Mother’s Day Work Clubs to address public health issues. This little historical peek into Mother’s Day (courtesy a friend) altered my perception of this Day. It wasn’t just a fad when it began; it was a Day of remembrance.
Let me now talk about the issue that disturbs me to the core. What I see around me is not just love and gratitude for one of the most important women in our lives. Its love and gratitude that has to measure up to the demands of a capitalist economy whose sole aim is consumption. Yes, people who love us are very special to us, including our mothers. The aggressive advertising puts a “price- tag” to this love. It is as if our love is directly proportional to the exchange value attached to the gift. The last week has been full of advertisements that go “Make her feel special this mother’s day / Show her you care on her very special day / Make her feel like a queen on this day OR better still, 50% off on purchases on Mother’s Day. The list is endless. The entire effort is towards making the personhood of a mother fit into the demands of a consumerist society. They call it celebrating motherhood, I call it confining the essence of being a mother to a list of gifts your pocket can afford, thereby dehumanizing her. If you don't give her those gifts that are being aggressively advertised, you don't love her enough. Diamonds, chocolates, flowers, dinner in a five star hotel, a trip to an exotic locales that these advertisements promote to show “how much you care about your mother”.
In my opinion this makes the bond of love feel extremely materialistic. Would my love be counted less if I can’t gift my Mother the “ World Tour” or a Prada bag? ( Or anything else that a given society values). Another thing that these advertisements do is put motherhood on a pedestal. They highlight the image of an ever sacrificing, ever smiling woman who is at the beck and call of her children 24X7. We expect a bit too much from our mothers. At least in the South Asian context and the media industry uses this expectation very deftly to serve its own motive of profit making. Mothers are portrayed as super-women who have the ability to do everything and still remain as fresh as a daisy to undertake the next demands of her children (and spouse). I have a big issue with this. Mothers are humans too. They make mistakes, have their own shortcomings and sometimes they do not get along with their children. Sometimes they are too tired to cook a full four course meal and just order Chinese take away. Just like every person is unique and has/ her way of dealing with things, every mother is unique too. Each having her own definition of motherhood. By putting mothers on a moral high-ground, we deprive her of her right to err; the right to just be human.
Various media advertisements and articles ostensibly celebrating Mother’s Day mostly reinforce the traditional definition of motherhood. It is a great disrespect to the struggle of women and men around the world who have been trying to redefine motherhood. It’s not just a step backwards but a step that makes us realize that as a society we are still not ready to break the chains of tradition. There also exists another school of thought which believes that a simple card or a delicious home cooked meal has the ability to express love as much or even better vis-a vis the expensive lunches and even more expensive solitaries. This is precisely what schools are teaching the kids all over. Children make cards, jewellery or a cheese sandwich to make their mothers feel special on this day. All very cute and adorable on the face of it. We all go “aweeee” when the pictures are uploaded on Facebook. A declaration of their love and devotion towards the woman who gave birth to them. However, this “just a card or a meal” concept preaches essentially the same value that all the advertising does i.e.: : annual display of gratitude”. I read a post on a social media platform of a mother who was disappointed because her daughters did not give her a card or a gift on Mother’s Day. The little girl just hugged her and went to prepare for her exams. A hug or a smile is the biggest gift a child can give to his/her mother .To be sad because the expression did not fit the materialistic expectations is to given in to the popular culture. Let us not raise our children to feel obligated to express their love in a certain way. A hug, a card or a gift are all expressions of the same thing.
Before this article was put up, I had discussed it with a few women. It had also undergone a mandatory run through by a friend. My perspection before the discussion and before reading my friend’s comments that Mother’s Day celebrates a big lie about women: That those with children are more important than those without them. I was told I was being too harsh on the choices that mothers have made because I felt those were the “traditional” choices. One of the comments that my friend had made said I was missing the whole point and reading too much into a simple celebration. I was doing all that and much more. Mother’s Day after all is a day of expression of gratitude. When I am all for World AIDS Day and renewing my commitment for the cause there is no reason to oppose a day designated for the celebration of motherhood. I was also trivializing the whole process of becoming a mother because I have chosen not to. I was judging people for enjoying the bond. Just because Mother’s Day celebrates mothers doesn’t mean that we look down upon women who are not mothers (This valuable lesson is thanks to my brother’s friend) .
This Mother’s Day has been an eye opener for me. Not only has it taught me that my choice is not the only choice in the world. It also taught me that even though I am not a mother myself, I have a fantastic mother and other women who have given me the same love and care that a mother would. If I can tell them I love them on any other day, why should this day be any different. I may not have the money to buy a solitaire or take them out to an expensive meal but the fact that I love them today and forever would never change.
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