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A sudden intense wave of sadness sweeps my entire being and I miss you all-over again. I want to you to hear me talk to you. But what could I possibly tell you that I haven’t already? Perhaps that I have loved you more than I could have ever imagined? Or that I can’t conceive my life without you? You do know it already. Words fail me when I most need them. Should I say that you are that one person who had access to my heart, the only one who saw the rawness of my emotions and the vulnerability behind the confidence that fooled the entire world but not you.  

Do you remember your trip to Bangalore when you almost missed your flight? I had come to see you off desperately looking inside through the glass to make sure that you received your boarding card. After a while I lost you in the crowd. My phone beeped. “ I have made it. The card is in my hand. Go home now Prags”.  How did you know I was still here? I asked with amazement. “ Because I know your every heartbeat” , you said simply and disconnected the phone. My heart still beats but there is no one to understand it.  

The traffic in Delhi  has become even more chaotic in the last five years. My hand that held yours and crossed the road, the paranoia subsiding with each step is empty now, waiting endlessly to be held again.  All my other friends know  my fear of traffic but you alone held my hand. Crossing the road has never been the same ever since. Tears, rage and  the feeling of your hands in mine are my constant companion.

Everyone celebrates anniversaries. Days that are milestones in their lives. I often think of celebrating ours too. Tell me how does one celebrate days when one feels that they have known the other for centuries? Surely marking a special day of celebration becomes a meaningless exercise under  circumstances like this.  The game that we played of quizzing each other about the number of years we had known and failing miserably is still my favourite game.

“ I love you very much. How will I live if I stop loving you” I had said long ago when, after a fight you had wanted to know if I loved you at all. Our love must have been immense, never-ending even, for  I am still breathing. I remember the mid-nights calls when you called me to tell me how much I mean to you. I had told you then to not call at that hour because I wanted to sleep! I wish I had known better then to say that to you. What a foolish thing to think that we had each other till eternity. There never is an eternity, only eternal memories.

I was recently asked by a shopkeeper who knew us both, where my father was. I couldn’t stop myself from laughing and then feeling the tears stinging my eyes. You would immensely enjoy the situation and my utter discomfort on being called your daughter. I did not have a heart to tell him where you  really were. Because you are everywhere for me. In my heart, my eyes, my thoughts. You are my shadow. Never apart from me. “ Gone on a long holiday”  I said and left it at that.

You are my box of memories. Every-time your absence becomes unbearable I pull out a memory and relive it. The details are blurred, I get mixed up with the dates but it’s enough that those memories have you in them. You are me and I am you ,   you had told me a thousand times , we flow into each other . I haven’t forgotten my promise to you. The last promise you wanted from me. You will always be special to me securely lodged in my heart. No one else can be you because there is only one of your kind. For the millionth time and I know there would be million more “ I love you”.


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