I’ve gone silent people tell me. I have lost my charm, the clamour that surrounded me like a halo and walked with me has faded away. I am being asked where the laughter that jingled the vicinity has disappeared, replaced by a smile that refuses to reach my eyes? The sentences that came out with an urgent need to be heard have now been dethroned by their sober cousins, the measured and halting words that leave the lips strictly when required.
This is the story of my silence. Silence not just of words but of actions. The silence that screams louder than any words. Not a companionable silence which fills you up with a secure sense of contentment. But a silence that is defining by the very absence of signs of life. I have never believed that happiness comes from within. Extrinsic factors affect the overall well-being of a person. One reason to be happy is enough for me to be happy under any circumstance. My work is the single most important thing from which I derive pure unadulterated joy. The one that is unrestrained and unbound. My work gives me a semblance in my otherwise crazy life. I may be in a middle of an emotional Tsunami but if my work is something that provides me with sanity, I know I'll be okay.
A year after Ryan's death, I would not have survived if I wasn't in Nepal and immersed in work. It saved me from my emotional death back then. The last two years were the best years of my life. The chains that had tied me down came unshackle. I was fighting a few ghosts and realized it was time to move forward in every way. My work helped me in that and I was able to be in a space which I always wanted to be in. A happier and wholesome space where I'm me. My work helped me find myself that was lost somewhere.
I need to be in love with my work. It's not just a source of income for me. It defines me. It's that one thing that makes me who I am or what I aspire to be: A happy human being. With every work-place that I join, I want to re-create that magic of falling in love with it. However, when it is not reciprocated with equal fervor or when I am unable to love what I do, I feel anchor-less. The meaning of my life is lost somehow and I retreat into a shell that awaits my arrival after every such disaster. My current silence is all about making sense of what am I doing in the place that I call my work-place. I miss the vivacity and the sheer energy that was present in the air. The air is still and people whisper, not talk. And I type away a ToR or correct a module with all sincerity but with zero passion. I am scared to death that the light of my eyes and the boisterousness that characterizes me would slip away. I am working hard to keep myself intact.
I am just very perturbed by the lack of passion in my job. What is the whole point of working if there is not a shred of passion involved. It’s just a chapter in my life, not the whole story I’m told. That chapter is my life right now and I need to make it relevant because nothing in your life happens without a reason. The silence is my way of coping up with the change around me, the change that I want to change. Silence is what happens when I am working overtime to keep my world coherent and recreate a space that has my unique stamp. Silence gives words to my inner turmoil, the emotional roller coaster that I am gong through right now. I have befriended silence to understand myself. If I don't interact with you, it does not mean that I don't care about you, it just means that I prefer to be i the company of my new best friend called Silence.
Add new comment