“Stay away from me”, said he. “I’m not right for you”. “ Leave if you want to, I’m not going anywhere”, she told him. “ You know I can’t leave you. Where will I go if I go away from you” , he said. And so they stayed together.
There were many reasons for them to break off. She was a lot younger than him and from a different religion. She was employed whereas he had a history of not sticking to his job. He was not yet divorced whereas she had never been in a relationship before that , much less married. He always told her how much he loved her. She thought love should be understood not spoken. She loved Chinese food, he loved Indian. She thought his Hindi sucked and he teased her about her English. Thousands of reasons to break up but just one reason to stay. They loved each other more than they loved themselves. Their worlds revolved around each other.
And one day he just left! She was devastated beyond words. The first week after he left was a blur. She knew she was functioning but she had no recollection of the exact activities she did. Did she eat or did she not? She was nodding to something her mother was saying but words did not reach her. It was a miracle she was alive! How can she be alive when he was not? How, she asked herself and God, hoping for a reply. There was none. She should stop expecting anything from anyone, even God, she told her angry self. She held on to his smile and wore it like a warm blanket making her soul impenetrable.
The world around her didn’t stop. Neither did her life, although there was a tiny shift. With him not there, she stopped watching films with sad endings. “ I don’t like to watch films where someone dies in the end. I watch films to escape reality not to get immersed in it deeper” she said whenever she was invited over for a movie. She was never the marrying kind but now she totally gave up the idea of getting married. He had wanted a daughter like her, round nose, short- straight black hair and coffee complexion. They had decided to name her “Alankrita”. There would be no Alankrita now or any other child for she could not conceive of having anyone else’s baby. Yes her world had shifted slightly.
She had finally got the job she had so desperately wanted. Three rounds of personal interviews and a written exam and she was in. She was happy and very proud of herself. He would be proud too, and smiled. Home, office, meetings, travelling, a few friends and a haphazardly growing pile of books in her room, that she called a library, were her world.
One of those Monday madness at work sessions brought Deepak into her life. “Excuse me, can I borrow your charger please?”, the voice asked. She looked up and saw a stranger smiling at her. As the months passed, Deepak and she became friends. The kind of friends who have an unspoken rule of never to penetrate the wall that the other has so consciously built. One day a few of them went out to watch a movie. A comedy. She would not have it any other way. She needed to laugh. “You look beautiful when you laugh”, Deepak told her after the movie. She knew she should have said thank you but couldn’t. He had always told her the exact same thing. Coming from someone else it did not sound right.
“You must move on. It’s been five years now”, Rajat told her one day. Rajat was her best friend since college. Fifteen years down the line their friendship had only become stronger. It was Rajat’s shoulder that she had laid her head on and cried when he had died. It was Rajat who had hugged her when all she wanted to do was die too. “Deepak fits your list”, continued Rajat. He doesn’t smoke, doesn’t take alcohol, is single and is your age. What is more he likes you.” She looked at Rajat startled.
She had often been told to move on. Moving on always implied getting into another relationship. But what if someone had found their true love and lost it? Will getting into another relationship fill the void that always gnawed at her? Will it take away the pain that had become her companion?. To know she would have to take the risk. The rational part of her said loudly “You are alive, and he is not”. In this she was unable to hear her heart whispering “ You still love him”. She was tired of people telling her to ‘move on”. If moving on meant being in another relationship, she would show them that she has moved on.
Within a few months, they were a couple. Everything was good yet she felt empty inside. Her family and friends were happy but she had to force herself to smile. Deepak was a very nice person. Stable, dependable and caring. But he was not him. Every time this feeling came upon her, she shook her head. It’s early still, she would tell herself. Everything would be fine in due course. What if she could not reciprocate with “ I too love you” to Deepak’s “ I love you” . What if she doesn’t feel the need to hear his voice? Everything takes time to mature and grow. Her feelings were no exception.
Why was she surprised even though she had been expecting it for some time? They had been together for over 10 months and they were both in their late 30s. A proposal of marriage was in the offing for some time. Why then was she taken aback when Deepak asked her to marry him? She did exactly the thing that was expected out of her under this situation. She said yes. Deepak hugged her and kissed her cheek. A rare public display of affection for him. So very different from him. “I love you and I will let the entire world know this fact”, he used to say.
She called in sick and stayed home. Deepak called and she did not pick up. No matter how hard she tried she was incapable of imagining herself married to Deepak. Even now she dreamt of him and not Deepak, she lived in the past with him in a parallel world. He was the missing piece of her soul. She remembered the sequel to the book “Love Story” . In many ways Oliver was like her. Both had lost the love of their life and had successful careers. Life gave them both a second chance at love but she preferred to hold on to him as Oliver held on to Jenny. He was her Jenny.
She picked up the phone to talk to Deepak one last time. To tell him that her heart may be broken in a million pieces and sello- taped but this cello- taped heart still belonged to someone else.
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