Sometimes when I stay alone and think of my life it allows me to go back into my past and look at my old behaviour and attitude. After doing some soul searching, I found out that I was a microwave baby addict. It seems that whenever I acted out in anger, it was because I didn't get what I wanted when I wanted .
I guess, after the child hood that I had, of not getting attention I needed, I became demanded attention. I felt like everybody owed it to me. It had to be all about me because it wasn't when I was a kid. finding drugs and alcohol made things even worse. If I felt like if someone wasn’t giving me the attention I wanted, then I wanted nothing to do with you. Of course, if you had drugs, then at least you had something I wanted. Not realizing that I had already developed a drug problem. I would continue to use until I was using even when I didn't want to. I soon reached a point where I stopped caring about myself and people around me. Suddenly it seemed like my life would never get any better.I started believing all the things I would hear when I was a child. Things like, I was stupid or I wouldn't amount to anything. Blaming everybody else made it that much easier for my disease to run my life. For seven years that is exactly what happened. I had no idea how to change my life around. My father, mom, teacher, few good friends and some relatives would tell me how, but my disease would not allow me to be open-minded to anything I was told. Besides, for me, all I could do was think about how my senior brothers and friends used the drugs when I was a thirteen or in the early phase of my addiction cycle. If used, then who is my father, mother, teacher, few good friends and some relatives to tell me what not to do. How lame is that? So this is what I come up with when I think about my early phase of addiction cycle. I still remember many time I was rude, disrespectful to people, heartless and closed-minded, and set in my own ways. Staying loaded was all I wanted to do anymore. Deep down inside, I wanted something different but had no idea how to even began to find it, that was until I found recovery.
Today my life is so different. Nobody could have told me that if I gave myself a chance, I would have the life I have today. It all started by taking some suggestions from people who had used drugs . I think about the things I get from recovery that I wasn't getting in my past. The first thing was that as soon as I walked into the rooms and program of recovery, I was greeted with a hug , something that I always wanted as a child. At the end of a meeting, people kept telling me to keep coming back, something nobody was telling me anywhere. People, who want to hang out with me from the rooms, want nothing from me but to not pick up. Everybody from my past was trying to help me get high. I heard things like I was smart; I was going to be someone in life, that they werw are proud of me , and I should keep up the good work. All the things that make me feel so good about myself. I have a great support group, a wonderful counselor, happy true friends and peoples who love me for who I am, a small job, followed by awesome friends. Do I regret my past? No way. I may not like the things I’ve done, but my past plays a big role in who I have become today. Today my past keeps me clean. Today I have God in my life for the simple fact is that I know that without him, I could never do this by myself. I don't play God anymore, I praise God. I don't run my life, he does. Today I’m clean. That make me a miracle because I never thought it can be happen. Thanks to my past, I can make a better today. Just for today I can put my past behind me and live for today.
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