It Just Doesn't Matter

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It Just Doesn't Matter

Maybe the statement is not as extreme as Bill Murray in Meatballs but "it doesn't matter or I don't care" have become my mantras.  For someone so committed to serving, why have I come to this point, sounding as if I'm callous, not interested or that things don't matter. Or is this more about me trying very hard to let go because I have no control? 

In my life (job) I'm constantly treading water, trying to propel my body above the surface.  Sometimes I get there, a breath to keep my body from drowning, but more often than not its rise and fall, rise and fall, maybe even falling a bit deeper into murkier waters.  I hire someone at my job and feel like progress is being made and then someone else quits, people aren't happy, don't work very hard, do the minimum instead of being pro-active and asking how they can further help.

I vacillate between the real and unreal, as if in a dream.  In fact Paramahansa Yogananda and possibly others gurus/mystics, discuss that life is all a dream, maybe even a long running movie. When I become overly involved in my dream I am continuously frustrated, unaccepting as to what/why things are possible and why they are not.  Then I tell myself that things don't matter and that I don't care.  Somehow this is tending to make things easier for me, at least I feel a sense of peace when I repeat this over and over to myself.  However I really don't believe the words.

Ultimately everything matters and I do care to the point of losing sleep, being impatient, not properly taking care of my body the way in which I would like, i.e. not enough exercise.  Yes I can change these things and on some days I do but overall if those most impacted don't care, then why should I? 

A friend once said to me that she was hard wired a certain way, to be conservative, not find a lot of happiness in life.  I wonder if I'm hard wired a certain way as well or if we all make things up as we go along.  After all couldn't I go back to the US, where I dream of a much easier life, and live and work?  When I broach the thought I get a sinking feeling in my stomach, therefore, maybe not.  Maybe I've been able to adapt to certain parts of my life, but not others, countering any hard wiring, this is destiny, kind of talk.  After all we do have choices or so we might think.

What about the guy that sits all day at his shop waiting for customers, does he have choices or is it that he must sit, seemingly in total boredom, while life passes him by.  What kind of a life is this, should he really care about others, does anything outside of his "circle" of relatives and friends matter to him?  Or is it that he just doesn't care, what is his motivation for caring?

Many of us seem to be born into this life hoping for our "15 minutes of fame".  A friend recently said to me that she wanted to be a celebrity; i thought why, what does that really mean?  Is it that she wants to be recognized by others, does she want to influence people, what does it mean to be a celebrity?  Does this mean that she will care more?

I'm going to continue to care, to do what I think is "right" but I'm also going to continue with my new mantras, maybe in this way I can dream a bit more when I do sleep.


Position: Lover of Life-Change Agent

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