In (between) Transition

Do you know that space where you are feeling as if you need a life change and you decide to go forward and then you are in transition?  You end up in this space in which you are finishing things up and looking forward to what’s next.  It’s not an in limbo space because you know where you are going but somehow you are trying to let go of what currently is.  

I’ve been in this space a number of times but this feels a bit different.  I’m in the process of yet again, changing cultures.   I’m doing my best to stay in the moment, but I’ve also been thinking about where I’m going.  This is a major life change!

I’m starting to say my good-byes and this leads to a multitude of feelings, sadness, a feeling of not having done enough and wanting to do more.  Should I stay? Is this actually the “right” decision for me?

There is also the excitement of knowing that I will be doing what I am very passionate about in life, basketball and markets.  I wonder how I can make this enough. This is tempered by moving back to a country which I haven’t lived in since March 2009.  I’m not quite sure what to expect.  It’s clear that a lot has changed.

In July, 2006 when I was approaching 50 I made a major life transition and moved from Connecticut, where I had lived since 1988 and had worked for the same organization since 1998.  After considering the Peace Corps, I landed in Pennsylvania with my dream job. But this didn’t work out.  By December 2007 I was back in Connecticut.  During 2008, I also spent time in California and Colorado and by March, 2009 I started my overseas experience. 

As I approach 60 my life is again drastically changing by leaning into my passions.  I know that the transition will have its challenges as I’m going from living in Kathmandu to Tucson, Arizona.  Although others may not fully comprehend “my” transition I know that I will have help.     

Transitions are always filled with uncertainty, no matter how certain we are about what will occur.   I don’t know if I’ve been afraid of transitions, but I’ve certainly had many.  This is whether or not external circumstances have caused me to make the transition. 

But this time, as when I approached my 50^th year, this transition is of my own making.  This time instead of leaving a place where I had lived for a long time and going far away, I’m returning to the country where I’ve spent most of my life.   Maybe I’m evolving as I realize that my parents are older and that I want to be more in contact with them, my children, my sister, as well as, friends living in the US and other family members. 

In life, whether or not we are conscious of them, transitions are a constant.  Some are much greater than others.  I’m trying to approach this latest transition by being very conscious of my feelings, which are running the gamut.  As I sit in this I feel a great deal of sadness and apprehension of the unknown.  However, when I observe my feelings and take further care of myself I’m able to feel this as a passing phase.  I also know that I need to focus further on what it is that I need to do and not let external issues and circumstances impact me as much. 

I have some understanding of how complicated I am. Almost 60 years of living in the world has pulled and stretched me in a number of directions.  The key is now to move towards a space that will enable me to continue doing whatever “good” I can in the world.  For now, that space is called Tucson, Arizona, USA.